The Death of Divorce: The Passing Away of Mind, Body & Soul for Men after Divorce #DivorcedDadsLivesMatter

The Death of Divorce: The Passing Away of Mind, Body & Soul for Men after Divorce

#DivorcedDadsLivesMatter

In general, we’re all knowledgeable of the concept of death being the termination of all biological functions that sustain a living organism. But, are we all aware of the fact that men who are divorced are almost ten times as likely to commit suicide as divorced woman? According to a study of marital status and suicide in the National Longitudinal Mortality Study back in 2000 Dr. Augustine J Kposowa (Professor in the Department of Sociology, University of California, Riverside), the actual figure was 9.94. Today with the added stressors like unemployment, health challenges, violence and various state laws directly impacting men, Men of color in particular, I’m pretty sure that figure is much, much higher today.

What about the men who don’t actually commit physical suicide but nonetheless experience a number of emotions which causes them to harden their hearts and die in mind, body and soul? Although there may not be a formalized study or a longitudinal research program around this, I personally can attest to not only thoughts of suicide and the feelings of death where the stages of grief and mourning took a huge toll and at times continue to take a toll on me as well as many other men whom I coach and counsel. During and years after my divorce, I died mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially and at times, it felt as if I was about to experience physical death. The combination of emotions, thoughts and feelings occurring simultaneously was like nothing I’d ever felt…the pain became unbearable at times…many times.

For most men, after a divorce, their biggest fear is losing the children. When a man divorces and has to rebuild himself and his life, for a while he feels that the only people who both love him and need him are his children. When that’s threatened, lessened or removed, a feeling of death ensues. For me, it happened a few years before the divorce proceedings begin during the marital separation period. Even when the visitation and custody arrangements are in place, many men like myself still experience feelings of rejection by the children’s love which causes feelings of not only being “killed off” but feeling as if the children have passed away, in a sense. Most of us truly understand that feeling loved and feeling needed are necessary to the human psyche.

From my personal experience, during and after I divorced in 2011, the feelings of being unloved, unneeded, disbelief in things changing and the inability to express all of this periodically presented thoughts of suicide in my mind. With the help of a therapist, close friends and a supportive mate, I was able to gain some healing and began to rebuild my life. For many women, this may be difficult to grasp because typically, after divorce, they end up with the children-someone to feel needed by and someone to give and receive love. People who feel loved and needed rarely commit suicide. Many men, like myself, are very vulnerable to this type of love deprivation regardless of the reasons behind divorce. Especially men like myself who grew up without a close, significant father-son relationship to draw from.

For divorced men who happen to be business owners, entrepreneurs or who are in leadership positions, the loss of instinct causes grave challenges in the business and/or job world. The male instinct is highly developed and triggered, naturally, when there’s a need by someone who loves him and when he is trusted by someone who loves him. When a divorced man loses his family, his children, his dignity and his emotional stability, his instincts to protect, provide, and produce all while continuing to take loads of increased responsibilities are literally gone. For many men, without the rewards to receive and give love feels like death. Men in business and in leadership positions don’t do well without their instincts.

Divorce for men is a form of Soul killing. To have your children taken away from how things were in the past literally kills men’s Souls causing reasons for earning a living as well as reasons to live unworthy. Divorce for some men, like myself, drives us into deadened, hardened, heartless spaces of limited existence whereas, soon enough, we’re not only labeled but penalized for being “deadbeats” but in actuality, we’re just DEAD on the inside! Because we, as men, many times feel that this form of death is forced upon us causing feelings of rejection of the Soul’s of our family as being dead. For many men, including myself, when we’re rejected by our children as a result of the divorce, we feel as if we were “killed” inside and for many men, instinctively, they have feelings to want to “kill” what has “killed”, lots of times that’s the man himself. How does a divorced man deal with the mourning of the deaths of his children, as he once knew, although they are not physically dead? When the children of a divorced dad seem dead to him, but still very much alive, how does he begin the mourning, grieving process? Who helps him heal the pain? Who supports his wellness journey? Many men like myself feel all of this from time to time during and after divorce. I personally feel the pain of men and dads who are unhealed with pain and hurt from the bottoms of their hearts and the bitterness infused within all of this, especially when they are denied their children.

What can we do to support men who feel like divorce is a death sentence? We must develop a nationwide 24 hour on-call counseling network specifically for divorced men and fathers only. The network of therapists, coaches and counselors must specialize in male issues after and during divorce. We must set up conferences specifically addressing male divorce issues who meet at least twice a year within all the country’s major regions. We must set up task forces and commissions to tackle some of the legislation and laws surrounding issues of divorce specifically when children are involved. We must compile a list of the top 50-100 books written by men for men on issues of divorce and get them in the hands of divorced men and fathers. We must utilize gathered time as we do for sports and other recreational activities for healed divorced men to support divorced men as sponsors. We must utilize healed divorced men and the children of divorced men to serve as group sources of inspiration, motivation, education and ongoing support. For many men, like myself, The Death of Divorce is like the death on one’s mind, body and soul. Together we can not only heal but continue to thrive and tackle the statistics of the rates of suicide among divorced men and men who are going through divorces. Today, many men support groups and support systems support men in being Invulnerable. Lots of times, invulnerability leads many men to suicide. We must all do better.

#DivorcedDadsLivesMatters

Curt Jasper is a recovering divorced dad who counsels and coaches men and women who have experienced recent breakdowns due to divorce, death, depression and desperation. He not only uses his research, expertise, personal experiences, humor and tough love approach to serving his clients, but he also uses his own intuition, spiritual guidance, rituals, community service, mentoring and support partners to remain healed as he continues to serve one of the most overlooked segments in our society today. #DivorcedDadsLivesMatter

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Life Is Supposed to Feel Good

Life is supposed to feel good, right? Did you know that? Do you believe that? Many of us really think that there is great rewards in suffering. Many believe that there’s pain that simply comes along in life to all of us at some point. I agree wholeheartedly, but I don’t agree that life is NOT supposed to feel good more times than not.

My experiences, my teachings, my learning and therefore my beliefs, have caused me to know that we were all birthed into this world with absolute immeasurable brilliancy and determination. Each time we forget that or doubt our abilities, we insult the Creative Intelligence.

Many of our teachers, parents, friends and family thoroughly reinforce the false notion that one is not supposed to feel good-not really. Mainstream media supports this farce, as well. What they don’t get is that feeling good has all to do with the inside stuff we’re already equipped with. Thoughts! Yep! You’ve read correctly! Thoughts! We’ve all been taught to either think “inside the box” or be considered an outcast. Think “inside the box” or be labeled a trouble-maker, weirdo or misfit. Think “inside the box” or you lack self-control. Thoughts always lead to feelings. Other’s thoughts about their lives can cause most of us not to feel good about our own lives.

The egoist we call parents, teachers, friends, family or government officials are mostly blind to our purposeful existence. The great power and energy of love and creativity is apparent in the mere fact of our existence. Love always involve freedom, especially freedom of expression. Only the blind egoist would define reality in its own terms and, therefore, its own limitations and experiences upon the rest of us. Thoughts always lead to consciousness or lack therefore. Unconsciousness is still a form of consciousness.

This holiday season, try taking time out to consider your own life experiences and then ask yourself, “Is life supposed to feel good?” Are you still convinced that consciousness is not dependent on physical matters? Feeling good is a matter of the creation. Regardless of what happens, we can feel good anytime we want with practice. For the next 30 days, every morning, try these:

*Breathe in, breathe out (continuous deep breaths)

*Allow

*Deliberately create good feeling thought in your mind

* Deliberately create good feeling action that directly correspond to the good feeling thought, in your mind

*Maintain that feeling for 15 minutes

We are all required to do things differently than we have in the past. This day you have been reminded of the Power of Universal Law. Choose to use the Law of Attraction, Law of Deliberate Creation and the Law of Allowing. This day, let your good feelings be your guide. You’ll be glad you did. Life is supposed to be good. Sometimes, we come together in ways we don’t understand.

Love & Light,

 

P.S. Be easy but eager. You are meant to satisfy your dreams while feeling good doing so.

Life Is Supposed to Feel Good

Originally Posted by Curtis Jasper on his personal Blog on November 25, 2013- I AM Blog Series

www.drcurtisdjasper.com

Dr. Curt is a Spiritual-Psycho Counselor who specializes in Taylor-made, personalized Personal Development coaching, counseling and consulting programs for individuals from all walks of life ranging from Juvenile Delinquents to Business Executives to the Creative’s to Celebrities. Dr. Curt lives, laughs, and loves in Atlanta, GA USA

“I show people how to coach, consult & counsel themselves toward #Greatness thru a co-created Personal Development Program they can use for years to come – #TheIAMProject”

Dr.Curt

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A Fitness Twofer! How to Turn Your Physical Strengthening into Spiritual Strengthening.

Did you know that any type of physical activity used as a workout can be simultaneously used as a spiritual workout as well? Let’s face it, all of us are aware of the benefits of working out and staying physically fit and healthy but many of us find it very difficult to maintain it as a regular practice or even a lifestyle adjustment. Most of us, I know I do, need more than a “swift kick in the rear” to do lots of things we know we should but definitely working out hits the top of the “should do” list. Lots of us need more than one reason, payoff, excuse, ‘why’, cause, explanation, justification, or rationality to do the things we know we need to do.

What would your fitness life be like if you integrated some of your spiritual practices into it? I know a few people who work out to gospel music by I’m not referring to that nor am I referring to something formally religious either. Music is a great motivation during workouts but strengthening one’s inner voice is something all of us could benefit from. You can never get enough of your own positive encouragement and reinforcement. In fact, making your self-talk a daily practice of positive reinforcement and encouragement is a great way to strengthen your inner-voice allowing for it to click on automatically on a ‘need-to’ basis and especially when you need encouragement and self-belief the most. Adding a few spiritual exercises to your existing (or soon-to-be) workout routines can not only provide great positive benefits to you spiritually but also increase your physical, mental and emotional strength as well.

Here’s a few suggestions:

The next time you head out to your favorite workout, spend 2-3 minutes of non-stop acknowledgment of the things you’re grateful for that directly pertain to your workout. Give thanks to all the parts of your body that allow you to engage in physical activity. Show gratitude by literally pointing, touching, rubbing and speaking to the various physical parts of your body positively. Say things like, “I love how my legs, arms, and back allow me to do these exercises with grace and ease!” Then, give thanks to the support system and resources which have allowed you to conduct your workout. Show gratitude for the ability to pay your membership fees, your car which brought you to the gym, your spouse or significant other for taking over some of your daily obligations so that you can go to the gym, your workout partner and especially your awesome, nice and sexy workout clothes! (Smile) You gotta look sexy when you’re working out, right? It’s just part of your self-acknowledgment, lol.

I recently started back doing yoga as it’s been about 10 years since my last class. Although yoga, in my opinion, is much harder than lifting weights, it already has a sort of built-in spiritual component to it. You focus on your breathing, moving various body parts, eyes closed at times, nice, calm music and an overall calm and peaceful environment guided by a knowledgeable teacher. You also get to show gratitude as you challenge your body and balance to move in different, unfamiliar, directions. All of this led me to think of new ways to incorporate spiritual strengthening during my physical strengthening activities. Mostly because I’ll probably continue to do more lifting than yoga, more bench-pressing and pullups than child poses and downward facing dog poses. But, hey! Yoga does the trick!

Again, did you know that any type of physical activity used as a workout can be simultaneously used as a spiritual strengthening workout…and not just yoga? Actual weight-lifting is spiritual strengthening! Check out my latest video below as a reminder to show gratitude before, during and after your physical strengthening practices. Give yourself another HUGE reason to take your butt to the gym and workout! Love and Light! Peace and power!

CJ

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As Black Men, We Must First Feel Worthy of Our Healing

 
 
 
As a Black man, especially in the midst of national tragedies involving the recent and ongoing shooting deaths of Black men, the feelings of worthiness is further dissipated for one’s own sanity and therefore one’s own overall healing. The unchecked, ongoing, unsupported mental and emotional health of Black men continues to cause overall challenges within Black families and Black communities. Many Black men, myself included, have and continue to experience not only our everyday life challenges as being Black but the national challenges of being Black while driving, reading, sitting in a car, reaching in a glovebox, playing in a park, walking home from a convenient store, selling small items on the street, riding the subway and many more basic human, survival and daily activities. The deep-seated internal fear that the continuous showings of Black men being killed from the media and perpetuated on social media causes some Black men to feel that healing isn’t even possible. Many Black men feel a deep sense of ostracism even among their peers because although most Black men have experienced some form of racism and/or discriminatory practice directly, many of those brothers ultimately feel that healing just isn’t even on-the-table, a thing or even necessary. Many of these brothers feel that there’s not much that will ever change so they must go along to get along. Many brothers choose to use avoidance behavior in mind and body numbing activities just to continue to lessen the feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness being perpetuated by mainstream media, jobs and the country at large. Many Black men simply feel that healing isn’t possible and if it is, they have no time to stop and deal with their mental, spiritual and emotional health, until…

Until something drastic happens directly to them or someone close to them. In my opinion, as a Black man and as a professional who continues to deal, help, support and educate Black men about ways to overcome feelings of unworthiness thereby realizing that healing is not only possible but mandatory for the sake of one’s overall human existence. Life happens!

Black men must come together as united groups for the sole and Soul purpose of mental, spiritual and emotional health support, guidance, love and acceptance. In my book, I AM The SOULution- 8 Transformational Approaches to Turning Obstacles into Opportunities, I describe examples of this and how I was able to transcend a life from total defeat and depression to a lifestyle of wellness that I now love and honor. http://bit.ly/IAMTheSOULutionBook

As Black men we must develop specific support groups to aid in the effective teaching of one another how to design and implement Curriculums for Living in order to survive. Black men must create sustaining, health and wellness practices which will continuously support not only themselves but their families, both immediate and extended as well as their respective communities. Black men must get to a place of distinguishing our short and long-term goals as subsets of our overall purposes. Health and wellness must become the priority if we, as Black men, will overcome some of the harsh realities of living in this country while being Black. Black men must create specific support groups which will first and foremost counter the stigma of mental health challenges whereas we, as Black men, get to know that healing is not only necessary but possible.

Black men have historically and continue to learn and get support within small groups of other Black men whether it’s in the context of chats at the barbershop, happy hour, cigar shops, sporting events and other traditional male (and female friendly) gathering spots. The necessity of providing one another mental, emotional and spiritual support has been disguised in the form of “shop talk” and “chopping it up” in the settings aforementioned. I personally feel that these events are helpful, however, I would also pledge and challenge Black men to specifically set up small group, round-table, ongoing discussions and remedies of how to restore the feelings of adequacy and worthiness among Black men whereas we are not only addressing our specific mental, emotional and spiritual challenges within our plights of living in this world while Being Black (men) but that healing emotionally, mentally and spiritually is the key to our ultimate survival. For many Black men our therapy and counseling takes place in small group settings among commonalities.

Here are 5 things I think, as Black men, we must include in our support groups:

1. Let go of personal history, particularly the painful, shameful parts and enjoy the present. – I’m not necessarily asking any brother to forget but I am suggesting that as Black men we utilize our mental and emotional energy reserves by letting go of the painful past, one small step at a time, as to have energy to remain present so that we may be fortified to do our real internal work.

2. Forgive yourself for past mistakes.-There’s power in forgiveness! Although depending on who and what has happened, forgiveness can seem almost impossible. We must remind Black Men that once we achieve self-forgiveness, lots of “heart space” opens up for us to create and achieve things previously unimaginable.

3. Forgive all others you feel may have hurt you. – When you forgive yourself, you will find that it’s easier to forgive all others. Part of holding on to anger and resentment in the form of unforgiveness is that we blame ourselves on some level. Once we’re able to pinpoint the blame and shame of our own involvement, forgiveness shows itself and continues to do so with practice of mindfulness.

4. Nurture your mind, body and Spirit.-There’s no shortage of Black Men falling victim to a number of preventable ailments and mishaps. We must nurture our minds through things like meditation, affirmations, reading, prayer, solitude, etc. We must nurture our bodies through eating live foods, exercise, water and rest. We must nurture our Spirits through quiet-time, music, outdoor activity, nature, etc.

5. Start treating yourself as you would want others to treat you. – We must begin to see ourselves as the geniuses that we are and not take on any form of the media propaganda of Black men as criminals, aggressors and any other negative stereo-types. History has countless examples of excellence among Black men that are available everywhere as well as the excellence of today’s Black Men who continue to exhibit Black Excellence. Finding a mentor, coach, advisor, consultant, spiritual partner, counselor, etc., can help facilitate this journey.

Healed Black Men heal Black Men! Love & Light! Peace & Power!

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High School Buddies- Chicago, IL 2010

This article is also posted in http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

Life Is Suppose to Feel Good

Life is suppose to feel good, right? Did you know that? Do you believe that? Many of us really think that there is great rewards in suffering. Many believe that there’s pain that simply comes along in life to all of us at some point.  I agree wholeheartedly, but I don’t agree that life is NOT suppose to feel good more times than not.
My experiences, my teachings, my learning and therefore my beliefs, have caused me to know that we were all birthed into this world with absolute immeasurable brilliancy and determination. Each time we forget that or doubt our abilities, we insult the Creative Intelligence.

Many of our teachers, parents, friends and family thoroughly reinforce the false notion that one is not suppose to feel good-not really. Mainstream media supports this farce, as well. What they don’t get is that feeling good has all to do with the inside stuff we’re already equipped with. Thoughts! Yep! You’ve read correctly! Thoughts! We’ve all been taught to either think “inside the box” or be considered an outcast. Think “inside the box” or be labeled a trouble-maker, weirdo or misfit. Think “inside the box” or you lack self-control.  Thoughts always lead to feelings. Other’s thoughts about their lives can cause most of us not to feel good about our own lives.

The egoist we call parents, teachers, friends, family or government officials are mostly blind to our purposeful existence. The great power and energy of love and creativity is apparent in the mere fact of our existence. Love always  involve freedom, especially freedom of expression. Only the blind egoist would define reality in its own terms and, therefore, its own limitations and experiences upon the rest of us. Thoughts always lead to consciousness or lack therefore. Unconsciousness is still a form of consciousness.

This holiday season, try taking time out to consider your own life experiences and then ask yourself, “Is life suppose to feel  good?”  Are you still convinced that consciousness is not dependent on physical matters? Feeling good is a matter of the creation. Regardless of what happens, we can feel good anytime we want with practice. For the next 30 days, every morning, try these:

*Breathe in, breathe out ( continous deep breaths)
*Allow
*Deliberately create good feeling thought in your mind
* Deliberately create good feeling action that directly correspond to the good feeling thought, in your mind
*Maintain that feeling for 15 minutes

We are all required to do things differently than we have in the past. This day you have been reminded of the Power of Universal Law. Choose to use the Law of Attraction, Law of Deliberate Creation and the Law of Allowing.  This day, let your good feelings be your guide. You’ll be glad you did. Life is suppose to be good. Sometimes, we come together in ways we don’t understand.

Love & Light
Maverick Metaphysician
P.S. Be easy but eager. You are meant to satisfy your dreams while feeling good doing so.

Raising Adult-aged Children

What happens if you’re faced to help raise an adult-aged child of your own whom needs guidance, obviously has potential but simply succumbs to now “young adult-hood” peer pressure and is headed down a path of visible self destruction?  What happens if it’s not your child but a good friend, relative or even your spouse’s child?
Do you RUN like hell?  Just kidding?

I used the phrase “faced to help raise an adult-aged child” because many of us are aware of the fact that many children need guidance long after they leave home, turn 21 or even graduate from High School and even college and graduate school.  I sure know I needed help—I still do at 42! Ha!
Would you employ or at least attempt to employ the “It takes a village to raise a child” approach or would you seriously “run like hell” by ignoring this issue?

As a parent and a former educator and now mentor, my experience with young adults ranges from 15-29 years old, both male and female.  What I’ve found is that the number one demonstration long before any attempt to get involved with a young adult who doesn’t seem to be on the right path is to Live and therefore demonstrate HOW OUR LIVES ARE WORKING FOR US.

You may be wondering…of course, Dr. Curt, that’s pretty obvious!  But not really because many of us as adults beyond the age of 29 have the illusion that our lives are working out just find for us.  We have a career or a job, we own a home or business, we are law-abiding citizens, we’ve graduate from high school, college and graduate school and we even have kids of our own whom seem to have turned out alright.  The illusion can be further hidden because within those milestones, achievements and rites of passages, many of us have simply just learned how to cope.  We’ve learned how to effectively and consistently use our strong suits to get what we want.  We’ve learned how to safely “fly under the radar” and we even live in our “own boxes” of how we thing one should live.

As parents, mentors and educators, we all know that kids and young adults don’t necessarily listen to what we say at the expense of overlooking what we do.  From my experiences, it has also been shown that young adults listen and learn from older adults, only, as a result of a significant relationship built with that older adult.  Many times, a significant relationship still does not offset young, off-track adults who simply insist on learning things from experience or “the hard way”, as our parents used to say.

I’ve learned that the best way to support a young adult is to, initially, spend some time asking critical questions about how the young adult would like to relate.  The terms of the relationship must be negotiated at the onset with both parties. Otherwise things could get difficult in terms of expectations.  When young adults are invited into a mentorship relationship they must have a clear stake and understanding about the dynamics of the relationship not only goals and objections to attain.

So far, we’ve discussed the notion of demonstrating an effective, happy, healthy lifestyle for a young adult to aspire to or even to just witness in action.  Most of us learn from watching others and “doing” ourselves.  We’ve also discussed ensuring the significance of the relationship by allowing the young adult to contribute and then agree to the terms of that relationship. Last, I would like to add that after the consistent demonstration, and the negotiating of the terms of interaction, then there’s the natural result of RELATING.  As humans, many of us missed the entire notion of relating to others which continue to cause damage, resistance and frustration with RELATIONSHIPS.

We missed learning how to communicate effectively, we missed learning how to act and conduct ourselves independently for a chance to explore interdependency.  We missed how to effectively and healthily express our emotions and feelings and to know what it’s like to have a deep feeling and opportunity to feel valued as a person with a freedom of self-expression.
We missed these things!  Many of us were raised by well-intended teachers, parents, community leaders, neighbors, extended family, older siblings, foster parents, step parents, you name it.  Most of them meant well but most subconsciously and unconsciously raised children, teenagers and young adults like they were raised.  Yep! It does take the Village concept to raise a child but please understand that this was also with the understanding that the Villagers were healthy adults themselves.  Many were not.  Many lacked the effective spiritual, mental, emotional, financial, psychological, nutritional, educational and experiential experiences.
In closing, the three things I believe need to take place in order to help our children within our communities to be RAISED to RELATE in order to have effective RELATIONSHIPS are:

1.      Effective demonstration of healthy lifestyle by adults
2.      Development of significance whereas the young adults have a “say-so” of the terms of the relationship upfront
3.      Allow the young adult to naturally gain awareness and the tools to RELATE in all other relationships with consistent time from a healthy, courageous adult
We can do it.  Let’s all get started!

Your comments and suggestions are welcomed.
Love & Light
Dr. Curt

Curtis D. Jasper, PhD, is considered by many to be a Conscious Evolutionary Guide. With the drive to be aware and the experience of the wider horizon of Reality and Spirituality, Dr. Curt has developed an extensive background in the Spiritual and Transformative elements of life; one that is both knowledge and experienced based.  Dr. Curt is a Spiritual Practitioner, a Spiritual Counselor, an activist, an entrepreneur, and an Evolutionary Educator. He is a former teacher, principal and educational consultant. With a Spiritual synthesis of education, health & wellness, personal development, entrepreneurship & metaphysical counseling, Dr. Curt is commonly also regarded as a Minister of Education.  His focus has always been to Educate, Inspire & Change but his primary focal commitment centers around the plight of the Black Male in Today’s America and how he uses the teachings of Universal Spiritual Laws to counterbalance that existence.
His new book, lectures, speaking engagements and spiritual counseling practice will all be available 2014. Follow him on twitter @DrCurtisDJasper and on his Facebook Community Page- Dr. Curtis D. Jasper- The Maverick Metaphysician or on his Blog- drcurtdominick.empowernetwork.com

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