We or they are not bad, evil, incompetent or inadequate when the relationship ends. Not. Necessarily. The very measure of a good relationship is usually determined by how much it encourages intellectual, emotional, mental and spiritual growth. Therefore, if our relationship becomes destructive, dangerous, depressing, lacks growth and development, demoralizes or causes us to chip away at our human dignity, it’s been time to end it! We aren’t for everyone and everyone is definitely not for us. However, not all breakups are considered failed relationships.
So, the real question becomes, how do we or can we minimize the hurt and find a way to co-exist. I don’t mean co-exist with your previous mate, necessarily. I mean on earth! In life! In new relationships, with new partners! Within! Without! Emotionally. Mentally. Spiritually? How do you exist and how do you support a space for new partners to exist?
For many of us, this is NOT an easy task. Any significant relationship that ends causes discomfort of some kind. For most of us relationships are a major source of daily stimulation, curiosity, eagerness, adventure, support, love and openness. We all can agree that relationships do matter and that intimacy is necessary to sustain a good, fulfilling, happy, productive life. A loving touch, interactions of laughter, silence and tons of other highly needed stimuli brings physical, psychological and mental wellness.
There simply is no BEing or Becoming without relationships. In a real sense, we all spend our entire existence interweaving one relationship into another until we ultimately catch ourselves up in giant webs.
After a breakup, how do you exist and how do you support a space for new partners to exist?
Lots of us have learned, from experience, that our inability and/or refusal to live in harmony after a break-up has been responsible for some of our greatest fears, phobias, anxieties, feelings of sadness, anger, other failed relationships, resentment, isolation and in some cases, mental illness.
Again, after a breakup, how do you exist and how do you support a space for new partners to exist?
Here are 5-Steps that I’ve found to help co-exist after a break-up. The steps are not designed to go in any particular order but they must be at least addressed and considered. But first, before we delve into this short list, do understand that I am only referring to relationships which have ended with some amount of pain due to the breakup and not necessarily dangerous, domestically violent, abusive or extreme drama-filled break-ups which have cause significant suffering. Nope. Not. At. All. Although some of these approaches may work, in this account, I’m referring to those relationships which have just ran its course and both parties have, maybe not initially, but eventually decided to part ways. Extreme breakup circumstances with violence and abuse WILL definitely require some serious support services and healing. We’ll discuss that during another submission. For now, please take a read and let me know what ya think. Love. Light. Peace&Power.
Step #1- Watch your words!
For each word we use to describe our relationships and the break-up of those relationships, we also attach emotional meaning and content to them. This is how we feel about what our words represent to us. Watch your words. Choose. Wisely. The words we use determine our belief system and our actions. You gotta be careful about the words you use and not have them use you! Wellness comes from within and communicated love and warmth helps bring it forth.
Step #2- Respect Silence!
Alternatives for problem solving, creativity, thinking, strategizing, remembering, moving forward, as well as your spiritual, mental and emotional needs are most often realized and heard loud and clear during moments of silence. Spend time, regularly, in total silence.
Step #3- Be honest and truthful!
Dishonesty is one of the primary determinants of a failed relationship that leads to a break up. Now that the relationship has ended, it’s really time to get honest with yourself about your role in its entirety and be truthful of all of your contributions to the relationship both good and bad. A healthy, lasting relationship must be based on honesty and truth. If you’re looking to the future for a fulfilling relationship, now would be the time to get straight with yourself about your last one!
Step #4- Determine if you were loving under certain conditions!
Love doesn’t supposed to keep a record of wrongs. Easier said than done, I get it! We all have a need to learn from our wrongs and other’s wrong-doings allow us to ultimately become wiser. Let the wrongs go and move forward. Unless you were, at any point during the relationship, unable to forgive and forget the past, you’ve never been truly free of its power to reawaken the hate and pain that those past wrongdoings have caused. When a new wrong erupted, all the previous ones re-surfaced. Were you loving only under certain conditions, disguising your overall hurt, hate, anger and pain?
Step #5- Forgive! It’s an act of will!
Forgiveness is a choice. You either choose to forgive or you don’t. But you gotta remind yourself that to be forgiven and to forgive both involve the same dynamics. If you ever hope to be forgiven for your wrongdoings, then you must do the same. If you are unable to forgive others, then you cannot expect others to forgive you. The price you pay for NOT forgiving is too high.
Forgive yourself. Love yourself. Design a Self-Care routine, ritual and lifestyle. Learn from your past relationships and live happily ever after! You can do it! It’s a must!
Dr. Curt coaches, counsels & consults with people toward their own greatness using Passion, Power, Purpose & Presence. He’s also an Author | Counselor | Speaker | Entrepreneur.
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